After All This Time
by unspeakable49
Summary: Potter's love for you and the way he gallantly jumped wandless in front of the Dark Lord to buy you a few more minutes, is known to every man, woman and child in our society. But nobody knows of the love I hold for you. Potter may have changed for you, Lily, but I changed too.


**A/N: And here it is, the long awaited Snily letter. :)**

**This is dedicated to all my _Unspoken _fans, who convinced me that I could do this, even when I was trying my best to avoid it. I hope it lives up to all you're expectations!**

* * *

Dear Lily,

It has been so many years, and still my conscience will not relieve me of my guilt. I have tried to repay you in every way that I could to atone for my mistakes, but till today, as I sit here at the Headmaster's desk at Hogwarts, I know that I haven't even come close to repaying my debt to you. I don't think anyone realises how much you did for me - I doubt it that you yourself realise what I owe you.

As an eleven year old from a broken home, meeting an equally young girl who was ready to befriend me without judging me harshly was the best thing that ever happened to me. My father hated my mother and I, as you already know, but Lily, I never told you how close he would sometimes come to beating her to death every once in a while. He would beat her within an inch of her life, and if I ever dared protest, I would be on the receiving end of his blows too. I hated him, Lily, and I had no way of escaping him. I had no friends, no family, and no outlet for my anger. He came very close to destroying my magic once, when I was ten. As you know, extreme emotions or pain can hinder one's magical ability. I couldn't do magic for quite some time, and it was only after meeting you and becoming friends with you that my magic reappeared.

You saved me, Lily. You saved me from my father, from the Marauders, from power and most of all from myself. Lily, I can never thank you enough, nor can I ever express how deeply I regret my words to you that fateful day.

At fifteen, my apology and justification of that foul word simply 'slipping' out seemed perfectly acceptable, and I could not fathom why you flung it back in my face. I understood only after you died, Lily, and it was too late then. The significance of that word, the implications behind it... Lily, I am so sorry. For me, it was only a word, a label, a fact. But it is so much more. It is an attitude, a perception, a belief. You were right – you were always right. I treated all others of your birth with the foulest contempt; there was no valid reason for you to be an exception. Except for me, there was. I was in denial. My perfect best friend, _my _Lily could never be as lowly as a Mudblood. I was wrong. Muggle-borns are so much more than a deviation. They are truly better than a lot of pure-blood wizards I have had the misfortune of meeting. I'm sorry I was so bigoted and pig-headed, Lily.

I think it's about time I told you the true story of how I joined the Death Eaters. You asked me once when you caught a glimpse of the Dark Mark tattooed onto my arm in seventh year. I didn't give you a straight answer, Lily, but only because you would never have believed me if I told you.

The Dark Lord had decided to begin recruiting from Hogwarts, and Avery, Mulciber and the other purebloods had received letters from their families asking for a compiled list of all those who wished to take the Dark Mark that season. The word had been spread throughout the Slytherins, and many had already agreed and signed up willingly. I was still uncertain. However, Avery made it clear that I did not have much of a choice, and that only disgraceful blood traitors would be too _righteous_ to back out. (To this date, I do not understand why Slytherins are labelled as cowardly. We are selfish and give ourselves priority over others, that much is true - but it takes a great deal of courage to swear fealty to serve the Dark Lord with unfailing loyalty.) I was torn, and after much debate I had decided to turn to Dumbledore to help, as you had advised me when we had talked about this some years prior.

I was going to apologise to you, and inform you of my decision. You were sitting with your friends by the lake. I approached you from behind, and I suppose you didn't notice me coming. Potter and Black were reminiscing about the day in fifth year, mocking the humiliation my forced state of undress had caused me. But that wasn't what troubled me. It was the fact that _you_ were laughing too. I had never felt more betrayed in my life. Embarrassed and blinded by rage, I immediately rushed to Avery and signed up for the initiation ceremony.

Now that I look back on my foolhardy and rash behaviour, I cannot regret it more. No matter how hurt I may have been, I had no reason to sign away the rest of my life for that diabolical fool. The only excuse that I can give for my behaviour is that I was a teenager, and teenagers often do not consider the full consequences of their actions. However, the excuse is not good enough, and I only hope I can redeem myself before the end of this war.

However, the story of how I joined the Death Eaters is not the most important thing that I wanted to get off my chest. My darkest confession is of the hand I had in your death.

I have thought about this long and hard, and the one conclusion I reached repetitively is that although you may have died at the end of the Dark Lord's wand, it was I who actually killed you. It was me - me, me, me.

As a young man who had just joined the Dark Lord's ranks, it was my utmost duty to prove my unquestionable loyalty and devotion to him. I already had a track record of having been best friends with a Muggle-born, and I had grown up amidst Muggle society. My half-blood status only sealed the deal, and I had started off on the completely wrong foot as a Death Eater. Thus, when I overheard fragments of Dumbledore's conversation with Sybil Trelawney, I hastened to report to my Lord.

At the time, I did not know it would be you. Had I any idea - any hint at all! - that the prophecy referred to your child, I would _never_ have even considered relaying the proceedings to him. Some may call it selfish; that my conscience should only appear for you. But no matter how much I have changed, or how willing I may be to change, I cannot alter my basic nature. I am a Slytherin. We protect ourselves and our loved ones. We are not cowards; rather we simply choose to use our courage for the benefit of a selective group of people. I cannot bear to think of how different life would have been, how much _better_ everything could be today, if I hadn't made that single error of conveying the prophecy to the Dark Lord.

Even after finding out it was you the Dark Lord had chosen, I did my best to convince him to choose the other boy, Longbottom. When nothing worked, I begged him to spare you. Yet again, my own selfishness disgusts me. I cannot imagine how I ever thought you would be happy living a life without Potter and your son. Till then, I was desperate to convince myself that if Potter were somehow obliterated from your life, you would forgive me and come back running to me. The Dark Lord's plan seemed perfect. I would kill two birds with one spell. Not only would Potter be dead, but all reminders of your life with him would be eradicated too. I cannot be more ashamed than I am right now - for wishing death on an innocent child, simply to have your approval once more. I did not understand that the problem lay with me - it has always lain with me. I was a fool.

I still am.

I cannot even begin to explain what I felt when I heard that you had been killed. Shock and horror, were probably the dominating two. I remained disbelieving of the news till I had visited your old home in Godric's Hollow myself. Seeing your dead body... It shook me beyond belief.

I regretted not having taken the chance of making amendments with you when I had the opportunity, for being a coward who could not admit that I was wrong. But more than anything, I regretted being the bearer of the information that had led to your death.

Lily, I'm sorry.

I have done everything in my power to atone for my sins - all of which coincidentally orbit around you - but I fear, it will never be enough...

Your son... I hated him, and the very idea of him. But I soon realised he was the only hope I had to make up for my mistakes. I would only be able to find closure and forgiveness for myself through him.

For ten years, I would sit apprehensively through each Sorting Ceremony, dreading the day when Harry Potter would enter the halls of Hogwarts, and the day when I would have to begin fulfilling my debts to you. You died for him, and as I had been your indirect killer, I felt it was my duty to continue your efforts to keep him alive. I could not let your sacrifice crumble futilely. And finally, the day did come, when Harry Potter came to Hogwarts.

I have never experienced such contrasting emotions. He was the spitting image of his father, and I could not even comprehend the idea of extending an olive branch to Potter's lookalike. On the other hand, I could not deny he had his mother's eyes, and that beneath the typical Potter exterior, he was far more like you than his father. Images of your dead body haunted me for weeks. The bittersweet memories I had of you alive were ruined by seeing your eyes sparkling with life again - only on Potter's face. Although I did more to protect the boy than I have ever done for anyone else, I am still at conflict in regard to his very existence. But perhaps had he not been here this day, I might never have forgiven myself the small amount that I have by risking my life for him, over and over again. Although he has your intuition and magical prowess, he is as reckless as his father. I can only hope he has been working on curing the Gryffindor trait to make rash decisions that he has no doubted not only picked up from his peers, but also inherited from his father.

For the past sixteen years, I have lived with my guilt and my conscience. Many times I considered giving up - exposing myself to the Dark Lord and perhaps being tortured to death. The pain would certainly be well-deserved. But amidst the horror inducing nightmares and the cynical thoughts, you remained my sole hope, Lily. Were it not for the sense of purpose you had given my life, I might have been in the pits of hell this very moment. You saved me from myself, Lily.

Potter's love for you and the way he gallantly jumped wandless in front of the Dark Lord to buy you a few more minutes, is known to every man, woman and child in our society. But nobody knows of the love I hold for you. Potter may have changed for you, Lily, but I changed too. And not just the way he did - altering a few habits here and there to grow up as everyone must - but you changed my very identity. They say extreme emotions can change one's Patronus, but it is more than just that. A Patronus is not only a guardian against Dementors for its caster, but it represents their innermost characteristics. It is exposure of one's bare soul. I am no longer who I was before I knew you, Lily, nor can I ever become that person again. Sometimes I resent the hold you have over me, but who would I be without the love I have over you? It is what defines me; it is what is expressed in my Patronus.

I do not wish to play with words and cover up my true motives with this letter, Lily. I simply want closure, and your forgiveness.

I'm sorry.

Always,

Severus.

* * *

**Don't forget to check out the companion one-shot which is all about Snape writing this letter! :)**

**-Sana**


End file.
